September and October 2018 – Feeling Lost

fullsizeoutput_494.jpegI won’t lie, I’ve found myself to be busy and less motivated creatively over the past couple of months. It’s incredibly easy to fall into day-to-day living and lose track of bigger goals, and to some extent I have allowed myself to do that lately.  Seeing others my age return to school was more discouraging than I thought it might be, and seems to have thrown me for a bit of a loop emotionally. When I see others my age with seemingly clear plans for their future, I can’t help but question my choice to put myself first and get some distance from institutional education. I feel pressure to conform and study conventionally, despite not being able to identify any one direct source of this pressure. I find myself questioning decisions that I know feel right for me, purely because they aren’t popular choices. I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m really not sure how to convince myself that the paths I choose are worth pursuing. Some days I feel like I’m pushing towards an even greater unknown instead of a clear-cut goal; but I keep reminding myself that no one has it all figured out. I tell myself that as long as I keep chasing my perceivedtruth and working hard, details will fall into place. I really hope that I’m not wrong.

To some degree, I know that I’m not incorrect: details have become more clear with time. I fall more in love with music with every concert attended, every lesson completed, and every minute spent playing and writing. I fall more in love with writing with every poem, song lyric, or blog post written. I fall more in love with photography with every meaningful moment captured, no matter how seemingly mundane. I feel sure of very little besides the existence of my passion for self-expression. I refuse to let my experiences, both painful and not, to go to waste. I refuse to keep them to myself, as I know that the lessons and meaning that can be gleaned from them can, and will, benefit more than just my own life; if I can only phrase and promote them effectively. I just need to keep pushing forward, even if I don’t exactly know where forward goes. As long as I can keep myself financially safe and continue to learn and express myself, I’ll be okay. Take some deep breaths Sabina, things will be okay.

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